Why I Have Friends… Part 2
Posted by Brandi Wilson
Just last week I started a friendships series… and yesterday I sat down to write today’s post and thought “What do I have to say about friendship?” As I stated last week, it’s a touchy subject and everyone has a different opinion about what they’re comfortable with when it comes to friendship. And, ultimately, my favorite part of this series is your discussion in the comments. We all want to hear what you gals have to say.
About 18 months ago I read a blog post by Holly Furtick that struck a chord with me. In it she said “A pastor’s wife is loved by many, but known by few.”
Those words lept off the page at me… they immediately spoke to my heart. So many people in our churches and our ministries love us, there’s not a Sunday I leave Cross Point where I don’t feel the love of 100s of people from our staff to volunteers to attenders… but how do we determine who really knows us? As we discussed last week, relationships in ministry can be really tough. And I think we’d all agree the big question we have to ask is “Who am I willing to take relational risks with?”
I think my biggest gripe (and, yes I’m coming out of the gates with a gripe, which I rarely do but I feel the need to get it off my chest) with managing relationships has to be when people are critical because you choose to have friendships.
My husband has been known to say, “Regular people who have close friendships are considered social. Pastor’s who have friends are considered cliquish.” It’s unfortunate, but very true. Over the years I have received more criticism based on who I spend time with than anything else.
I believe we were created for life in community. What you have to determine is what that community looks like for you. Some of us chose to have friendships with people on our staff and in our church, others choose for their relational investment to be outside of their church community and sometimes outside of their state.
So, how do I determine who I am willing to take relational risks with?
-I take friendships very slowly. I never jump two feet in… but start in very small ways to slowly begin to build trust.
-Realize all relationships have boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. What can make a relationships sticky is when you have a boundary someone else doesn’t realize. For instance, I’ve had friendships before in which I placed some very strong boundaries on what I was willing to share. But the friend choose to tell me everything and believed because they put that trust in me that I must have told them everything too, which I didn’t. And that’s a tough place to be.
-With that said, it’s perfectly acceptable (and healthy) to have friendships at different “levels.” Also called friendship “circles,” inner circle, middle circle and outer circle. People who you’re willing to tell more to than others. People who you enjoy but aren’t probably going to be able to share much depth with. It’s not that you don’t appreciate what all friendships have to bring to the table, but it’s also possible to crave community yet also crave your privacy.
-Even if you have close friends you will probably go through seasons of isolation. There will be situations you can’t discuss, incidents that you can’t get your friend’s feedback on, and frustrations that should be kept to yourself.
I’d love to hear your feedback on how you determine who you’re willing to take relational risks with??
23 Responses to “Why I Have Friends… Part 2”
January 24th, 2012 at 9:21 amI’m one of those people who has always been friends with most everyone-at least acquaintances. At my 20yr reunion, everyone was still hanging out with their “friend” group and I felt so out of place with no one inparticular to be with. Several people asked who did you hang out with in school and I replied “everyone.” At church, it’s appealing to me and others that I can have lots of relationships on differing levels. I try to be really real with the people I’m around a lot (kid’s friends’ parents, people I serve with, etc)I don’t like them feeling they have to be different with me because I’m the “Pastor’s Wife.” I feel more comfortable sharing hurts and frustrations with the other pastors’ wives at church because I know they feel it too. I have one friend whose husband is a pastor at another church, and that’s who I pour out my deepest hurts and joys and my everything to. We can share the load and not get offended or frustrated, and the celebrations are so rewarding!
[Reply]
thank you for sharing your heart and being willing to be a little transparent. i hope more and more people will “let ministers, pastors wives off the hook” when it comes to having high expectations for them. is the average person friends w/everyone in their lives, at their church? probably not, we need to stop expecting the same from our leadership when we ourselves are not “close friends” with everyone around us.
i feel like life has a way of helping us choose, my circumstances have helped me to see who true friends are, and who i want to surround myself with. i didn’t always choose it, but i’m glad i have walked through those lessons in order to see where true friendship and relationship lies.
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 10:01 amAndrea… I totally agree that walking through those painful times is often what helps you see what healthy friendship looks like… to see where our true friendships lies. Well said!!
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 9:46 amI am really enjoying this series, so thank you! I have always been the kind of person who has one or two VERY close friends, but had that outer circle of friends that I didn’t really let in. When I married my husband and moved from my family and friends, I found myself feeling very alone and afraid to create new friendships. I really struggled with this. I wanted friends desperately, but was so afraid that somehow they would end up affecting my husband’s job. I have found a few close friends in members of our church, even though I’ve taken lots of time to open up and become close to them. We minister in a military town, so they’ve all moved away at different times. Then God sent me a friend outside of the church. The exact kind of friend I have wanted and needed. I think this is the kind of friendship that is so much easier to keep authentic. A friendship without fear, knowing you won’t be judged, knowing you have someone to talk to about anything. I think I will save my heart for friendships like these. 
[Reply]
Great words, thank you. I think I’m in an isolation stage right now, but thankful for my vcg ladies and friends out of state/out of town.
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 10:07 amHaving a VCG is such a great way to feel connected and not so isolated.
It’s a strange feeling to be surrounded by so many yet still feel isolated. Praying for you Rebecca and so happy you have a VCG.
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 10:02 amShauna… So happy God gave you the friendship you needed. What a blessing.
I bet doing ministry in a military town is tough with all the moves that take place… but how cool to be able to invest in families and then send them out to invest in others in their “new” communities.
Thanks for sharing!!
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 10:05 amOh, how this soothed my heart. I truly LIKE being real with people & relating to what women go through when I am speaking at our Women’s ministry gatherings or just talking with people. But it seems the primary criticism I get is that I am not the friend to them that they needed me to be (i.e. I thought you would be my new best friend & you failed my expectations). It is tough b/c I am very cautious who I have in my circle at all, but especially my inner circle. But I really do care about women & want them to find the friendships that I have found in our church but it can’t be ME being everyone’s closest friend!
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 10:09 amI feel the need to AMEN your comment Angela. “I thought you would be my new BFF and you failed my expectations.”
Well said! Thank you for your honesty.
[Reply]
Brandi,
Thanks for this post. Being the super sanguine that I am, I tend to have friends everywhere I go. I’ve just realized over the past 5 years that I must keep my inner circle small and be very careful who I connect with on various levels. I try to remain close with the staff wives at church so that we can walk along side one another through ministry. I also still have 2 of my closest friends who live in other towns that I keep in touch with regularly. Having them keeps me going .
[Reply]
Great insight, Brandi!!!! I just love you.
I’m willing to takes risks with people who aren’t impressed with me. They are my friends because they like me…not my title as the pastor’s wife or the boss’ wife or the silly girl on stage. It’s not fool proof, but usually I can discern when someone just wants to get close to me because of who I am in public. I don’t shun them for impure motives but don’t share my life with them either.
I have an inner circle and I share almost everything with them. I believe that as long as I’m in ministry, there will always be some things that will just have to stay between the hubby and me. Sometimes that isn’t fun because I am a person and still want to vent, but I just can’t. It’s part of the role God has placed me in.
Is it lonely at times? Sure. But, I think that is typical of any friendship. I embrace that lonliness at times because the truth of the matter is if we didn’t need to be comforted, we wouldn’t need The Comforter.
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 5:17 pm“People who aren’t impressed with me”
I like that. You might be seeing that again.
And … just for the record, I’m uber impressed by you.
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 12:18 pmThis was so good Brandi! I can relate to this post on soooo many levels. Thanks for sharing
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 12:58 pmI love this series. Love the discussions too.
Something Cindy said in her comment struck me. “They are friend’s because they like me, not my title.” that’s a big deal. While I have no noteriety outside our small church. I have felt ladies that attached to me for who my husband was, not who I was. Thankfully they revealed themselves pretty quickly so they did not become part of my inner circle of friends.
I am thankful for a community of other student pastors’ wives in our state. We have a “secret group” on Facebook. (that’s Facebook’s term, not ours–although we laugh about it being like a slumber party all the time 
) It’s in this secret place we connect when we need each other or when we celebrate Then when we see each other at events it’s like a reunion. We have wonderful state directors in our fellowship that provide us these opportunities. Thankful for them!
[Reply]
i can learn a lot from you, lady.
[Reply]
Sis. Lady Brandy, thank you for initiating this dialogue. I never knew the depth of what you all mentioned regarding friendships until now, even as a PK, rightly so. As a fairly newly married young lady to a recently appointed worship pastor(8 months now) I’ve already seen the truth in the words written by my fellow ladies here. It is very wise to have and establish different level of friendships. I’ve witnessed and therefore adhered to the importance of setting boundaries for preventive purposes(wish I could discuss this further but I will remain patient and seek godly outside counsel in the virtual community group I joined recently). I will continue to love and respect the ladies I serve with. I do believe there is alot I can learn and have already learned from those who serve in the ministry my husband leads and I assist. It was hard at first but I continue to remind myself that not everyone is meant to be the “best of friends” even those who spend countless time serving tother. To echo my sisters in Christ here, my closest friends belong to other churches and my husband is my very best friend after Jesus ofcourse!
[Reply]
I have some wonderful friends both inside and outside my church. I just try to use discernment and put them in their proper places as far as what parts of my life I bond with them about and share. For instance, I have about 4-5 ladies in the church who were a God-send through my brother’s battle with cancer and his death. If I hadn’t allowed myself to have those friendships, that would have been an even lonelier and darker time since I live away from my family and roots. But, I would never take ministry concerns to them. I have other friends for that:) Time always tells the tale, so I walk cautiously and try to use wisdom, but with an open heart. Not easy or perfect, but possible.
I have been hurt by a few along the way who turned around and bit, but I wouldn’t trade being hurt now and then to being lonely all the time.
[Reply]
My husband and I were members of our church before he got hired as youth minister there and I found that a lot of my friendships within the church changed or went away after that. It was kind of weird.
[Reply]
i guess i learned early on in our life in ministry how to determine who was interested in me because of who i was married to, vs. who was interested in me because of just me being me. i am thankful for being able to discern that. it’s been helpful in knowing who i can take risks with and truly build a friendship with… sadly those people have been few and far between in our churches, BUT i have found plenty of wonderful women outside of church with whom i can laugh, cry, rant and slurp down ridiculous amounts of coffee.
[Reply]
January 24th, 2012 at 7:51 pmWhy is this such a tough topic? God has been stretching me and teaching me in this area, and it is very timely that you are writing about it.
I am so hesitant in all my friendships and just now realizing the depth that previous hurts have wounded my ability to trust. I am in process of starting over with new safer boundaries in my friendships. Thank you for your openness. It is so incredibly refreshing to know that I am not the only one who has to contemplate who to allow in my life and whom I just cannot.
[Reply]
Great post my friend!
I have learned more about friendships after having a daughter who is the complete opposite than me with her friends. I have always been the type to have lots of friends, and included everybody. Well, my daughter is the kind of girl who only likes one or two friends. So, now I’m seeing friendships from her point of view too.
[Reply]
I am willing to invest in anyone, and totally am a jump in all the way kind friend, but I am learning that is not always wise. I can often give away trust too easily, and that has led to my being hurt too many times. I do think I have the “once bitten twice shy” theory, and I struggle with whether that is biblical or not. You hurt me, lied, betrayed, whatever… once it is settled, apologies made, etc. I honestly don’t ever get back to that place of trust with that person ever again. I am not in an active state of hatred, or grudge holding, but I will protect myself more, and trust you less. Friendships are hard, especially for pws!
[Reply]
Add your comment
Favorite Posts
Upcoming Event Schedule
@leadinglovingit
Recent Comments
Archives
Subscribe by Email
Love God has given you the friendship with the other pastor’s wife as your secure person. What a gift!!!
[Reply]